Look, There's Only Dogshit in, Like, a Third of the Cake: Best Movies of 2017

Movies did not have as solid of a year as video games. That's a pretty tall order, though, and it also doesn't take into account that film culture is much less exclusionary and shitty than game culture (though, as this year demonstrated, it's still a very shitty culture). Nevertheless, there were still a lot of really interesting movies last year. Which is great, because there was definitely a need to do anything but live life as normal last year. Here we go! Top 10! Yeah!

Look, I Found A Hot Dog In the Garbage! Best Games of 2017

So, let's get this out of the way: I'm sorry I haven't written jack shit on here for so long. I'd like to blame it entirely on 2016 and 2017 being dogshit, on moving from the Bay Area to Portland, on starting a new job, and on a million other things. But the fact is, regardless of all this, I have been content to not write and do other things instead. I'm hoping to change that in the new year, with much more regular updates and a variety of different kinds of pieces. Look forward to it (or don't, it's your life, I'm not the boss of you).

Rest in Pepperonis, fucker

Wait, a post that's written words? That can still happen?

It's a bad time down at Walgreens.

Sam Jabbers About: Snowpiercer

Whoa, a VIDEO?!? What sorcery is this???

(I spoil the shit out of Snowpiercer and, for some reason, Precious, so CW for rape, violence, cannibalism, and STDs)

Review: The Rock

Yeah, he's pretty cool.   His front teeth look kinda weird though, but whatever.  Straight teeth are for nerds. 10/10

Wait, is there another one???

The Fart of the Deal

Political analysts and pundits genuinely baffle me sometimes with how distant from reality their observations can be.  Not even in a particular direction--the fact that there are pundits that both know how to read and insist that people like Ted Cruz or Donald "flotsam head" Trump wouldn't turn the White House into an open sewer doesn't surprise me, because in most cases there's a clear reason why that particular person would behave this way (money or hatred of brown people, usually).  But with another presidential election coming up, people are starting to talk about how _______ candidate can persuade voters outside of their expected constituency.  Donald "wood grain" Trump will never win any discerning moderate voters, they might say, or Bernie Sanders' economic policies will persuade some Trump supporters, or you can tell I'm a pundit because it's a well-known fact that pundits only speak in italics.  The vocal surgery that lets us do this is very expensive, so we're going to use it every chance we get.

Shônen Roundup: Naruto

So anybody blessed enough to be inflicted with my presence on social media already knows this from my dozens of delirious, bile-filled posts, but I made the great decision recently to re-read every chapter of the manga Naruto in the past few days.

A turkey club, or thousands of live, venomous spiders poured directly into my mouth? Decisions, decisions...

So Donald Trump said today that he could literally start shooting people in the street and his poll numbers wouldn't dip.  That's what we call a "career-ending day" in a sane political environment, but for Donald Trump, it's Saturday.

Opinions Awaken: My Top 10 Movies of 2015

Wait, are you telling me that there's a top ten list for movies now? WHAT MADNESS IS THIS???

Return of Opinions: My Top 10 Games of 2015

Oh boy! A top ten list of video games! Wowie! I've never seen one of those before! What a miraculous day.

The new Expanded Universe

Does anybody else remember these things?!?!

The dopest shit

A hell of a thing

Did you miss me? That's okay, I didn't miss me either.  Let's talk about people we actually will miss.

Wooooooork

So, as it happens, work is pretty time-consuming.  Obviously you can infer from the gap between this and the previous entry that it's kept me from keeping this blog updated, but maybe you can't.  Hence this.  Yup.  THIS HAS BEEN AN UPDATE POST

Sam Explains Metal Gear, Part 2: UM

SO PHANTOM PAIN IS WAY BETTER AND LONGER THAN I THOUGHT
UH
I'LL BEAT IT IN ONE OR TWO WEEKS??

Sam explains Metal Gear, Part 1

OH NO I MESSED UP IT'S SUNDAY OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

BirthWRONG

First of all, before you read this piece, I beg you to (a, use Chrome, because duh, and (b, install this. Trust me.

Trainwreck more like PRETTY OKAY

Trainwreck was pretty okay.  I'm kind of angry that a combination of laziness and having a full-time job, which compliment one another surprisingly well, has made it the only movie I've actually seen in theaters this summer.  There was a movie with Charlize Theron as a post-apocalyptic feminist in the Australian outback fighting car armies and a guy with a guitar that shot fire and I'm going to have to wait for the blu ray.  But Amy Schumer making dick jokes, that I couldn't wait on!

Liveblog: Republican debate featuring Horrible Bug Monster

I KNOW IT'S TWO DAYS LATE WE DIDN'T GET FOX NEWS SO WE LITERALLY HAD TO TORRENT IT I DON'T CARE ANY MORE

So I'm going to do my best to live-blog this debate, despite several obstacles, including the fact that our torrent only has the first half of the debate, the fact that the debate aired two days ago, and the fact that everyone else has already live-blogged it, and probably better than me.  HOWEVER, I have something they don't: a live-blog of the debate that includes responses from the newest GOP candidate, Horrible Bug Monster (State Senator, R-CA).  Let's see if they're even that weird in this context!

Something missing...

So my addiction to the AMAZING Netflix series Sense8 has begun to enter concerning territory, to the point that I was watching episodes of it instead of writing today's thing.  But it's okay, because I can just cut corners and write a thing about the show! Sort of! If you haven't heard of it, check out this trailer IT'S SO RAD