Body no body plz

            Whew, haven’t done one of these in a while.  School is crazy.  Thank God I got this cold and fever to make me sit down and write my way through the delirium! Hoorah hoorooh!

            So, being confined to my room, bored, and trying to find something to distract me from my headache, I actually did some Googling about what, exactly, causes sore throats, fevers, runny noses, etcetera.  The answer is the latest example of a phenomena I like to call lucid out-of-body experiences.  Don’t worry, as pretentious as that term is I’ll try to poorly justify it, because I respect you.

            So basically, at least in the case of the common cold, the problem begins when a cold virus enters your body.  They love to settle in the throat and nose areas, and for viruses? They’re pretty chill dudes.  They’re content to just hang around.  Granted, getting rid of them should still be a priority, because you don’t want to give other viruses the idea that they can just move in and start setting up small businesses and such, but there’s no need to bust out scorched-earth tactics.

            Naturally, as soon as the immune system detects the viruses, they bust out scorched-earth tactics.  They try to kill the invaders with a fever, which makes you woozy and could possibly endanger your life.  They suicide-rush anyone hiding out in the nose, with the bodies piling up in the form of mucus.  They cause the body to release chemicals that inflame and irritate the throat.  Pretty much everything that’s wrong with me right now could have been avoided if Osmosis Jones had just calmed down and put his dick back in his pants.

            This is a lucid out-of-body experience: where you know exactly what your many cells and systems and so-on should be doing, but have no control.  So I’m forced to sit back and watch my immune system go to town on my day.  I can understand why certain body processes are automatic—having to remember to breathe every few seconds would be a pain in the ass—but in cases like this, I long for at least an option to take manual control.  For all of the genius genetic engineers reading this blog, here are a few other system commands you could start working on adding to the race of clone bodies that will be perfected just before I die, so I can have my brain transplanted and live forever:

• ·      Control of dopamine production
• ·      The ability to persuade our metabolism that, no, really, we don’t need those oreos preserved forever as fat, just go ahead and burn those
• ·      The ability to go to sleep on command
• ·      Control of adrenaline production
• ·      Disabling certain senses at will (don’t have to hear people fucking at 2 AM, don’t have to taste the food that’s way better for you than oreos, etc)
• ·      Growing a tail.  Why the fuck did we ditch tails? Tails are cool as shit! Do you realize we could scratch our backs with tails? Yeah.

          That’s all my feverish brain can come up with at the moment, but there have to be more ways we could tweak the old lemon that is the human body.  I’m going to hope watching anime somehow cures me.  Hopefully my next post is sooner than two weeks…