So I'm going to do my best to live-blog this debate, despite several obstacles, including the fact that our torrent only has the first half of the debate, the fact that the debate aired two days ago, and the fact that everyone else has already live-blogged it, and probably better than me. HOWEVER, I have something they don't: a live-blog of the debate that includes responses from the newest GOP candidate, Horrible Bug Monster (State Senator, R-CA). Let's see if they're even that weird in this context!
- Candidates being asked to pledge not to run as an independent if they lose the nomination (and basically doom the Republicans)
- Trump pledges to support himself, always, forever
- Rand Paul immediately interrupts, accuses Trump of being corrupt. Trump says his money wasn't dirty enough for Paul OH BAZONGO
- All other candidates pledge to not run as independents. Horrible Bug Monster accidentally raises a hand, but only because the bright lights on stage confused his massive bug-eyes
- Ben Carson getting actual policy-type questions in the form of "are you really that much of a dumb moron." Ben Carson: it's fine because I have a brain, and America was great because people were good. I think he has a stuffy nose
- Horrible Bug Monster asked about being a Horrible Bug Monster, responds by vomiting acid on member of the audience, melting their face. A quick search of the person's wallet reveals that they were poor and also didn't own a gun. The crowd cheers for Horrible Bug Monster
- Ohhh mods asking Rubio to punch Bush in the kidney FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT
- Rubio puffs his resume before immediately dismissing resumes, rails against Amazon for not being Walmart. Jeb Bush silently promises to make love to his kidneys tonight
- Rubio says the fact that he was poor gives him credibility in destroying the poors and that this outweighs Hilary's being wealthy because she wants to help the poors
- Horrible Bug Monster asked about his background, gurgles explanation about elitist east coast scientists and that if elected he will lay eggs all over the east coast
- Bush is wearing asymmetrical glasses and it looks like the left half of his face is melting. Audience ignores this and goes nuts for the governor explaining that he earned the title of Jeb by eating the most poor people
- Megyn Kelly: here are all of these examples of you being the worst to women. Donald Trump: I'm just kidding but no I'm not and that's fine but that's not important because WE NEED BRAIN
- Horrible Bug Monster butts in, says Trump's remarks are out of line. "We must always respect females, and let them consume our body mass after copulation." Trump retorts with "like Rosie O'Donnel AMIRITE!" The crowd cheers
- Ted Cruz accused of being divisive. Cruz responds: some republicans like me are great and the best, others are the worst and don't hate the poors enough
- Chris Christie informed it sucks to be in New Jersey. Christie is honest to god doing a fonzie-lean and explaining that it sucked worse before he got in because numbers and being nice to poor people. DARN PROUD
- Scott Walker looks like he just woke up. He takes one look at Horrible Bug Monster and stares at his shoes for awhile
- Megyn Kelly asks Walker if he would let a mom die rather than get an abortion, Walker responds that unborn babies are THE SHIT and condoms and women are the worst AMIRITE LADIES
- Horrible Bug Monster opines that this might be going a little too far and that people should have reasonable reproductive health choices. The crowd murmurs angrily, but they remember the poor he heroically melted and hold back their jeers
- Huckabee says the constitution, as written, grants zygote protection from self-incrimination. Under his rule no zygote will ever be forced to testify against itself, and they probably won't have to testify against their spouses either
- Rand Paul asked why he thinks doing the same thing a million times in a row that didn't even work once won't work again. Rand Paul almost gives an answer that agrees to facts but ruins it by explaining that Hilary Clinton and Allah are hi-fiving and giving hand jobs to the poors
- Kasich justifies helping people and saving lives by explaining that death and prison are bad. Is that some poor people lipstick on your collar?
- Horrible Bug Monster looks increasingly uncomfortable
- Jeb Bush asked to stand by statement that immigrants are humans. Bush says yes, but that doesn't mean we have to give them actual citizenship. What's next, liking poors?
- Trump claims he's the source of all illegal immigration dialogue, ever. He invented those words. He owns the patent and anyone that says that word needs to pay him six dollars. Jeb Bush must build the wall himself, brick by brick, foot by foot.
- Kasich basically asked "can you believe this Trump fella? Bananas." Kasich says he has some good points as Trump takes on the expression of a contemplative orangutan trying to shake off mange
- Horrible Bug Monster asked how he would handle immigration. Responds by vomiting on napkin and explaining that it's blueprints for a new acid-wall
- Rubio says a wall is not enough. Latinos are almost as wily and cunning as the poors, but that's not important because my office has a phone
- Scott Walker has worse hair than Donald Trump. HOW. NOOOOOOOO
- Ted Cruz: hey, San Francisco. Yeah, San Francisco. FUCK YOU! Fuck Mitch McConnel too! Mitch McConnel goes to San Francisco to be gay with gay poors!
- Christie vs Paul is interesting because Paul is technically right about wiretapping and Christie is lying scum that participated in massive civil rights violations, but GOD is Rand Paul the worst. "I will only spy on bad people and never good people, that's possible, and YOU HUGGED A BLACK GUY! WHY NOT HUG A POOR??!
- Horrible Bug Monster tells Rand Paul that that's not important and that Hurricane Sandy was a tough time. The crowd can no longer bear their anger and boo Horrible Bug Monster. He has to kill four more poors before they are silent
- Candidates asked how they will stop ISIS/ISIL. Cruz says the problem is not enough fear and murder. If we murder more people and make them more afraid, they won't want to fight us! We're the good guys!
- Jeb: knowing what we know now, it was a mistake to go into Iraq. Oh sure, there were people at the time that said it was a bad idea, and they listed their exact reasons that it was a bad idea, and those reasons were almost instantly proven true, but only after we sent thousands to kill and die with hundreds of thousands more could we have known. FUCK
- Walker says all the US has to do to make friends is invade more countries.
- Ben Carson: WHY WON'T YOU LET ME TALK I'M A NICE GUY. And in answer to your question: yes, torture kicks ass and I will torture the shit out of everybody because politically correct wars are dumb and #warcrimes are #funtimes
- Other candidates opine about foreign policy and torture. Horrible Bug Monster nods along, nervously eyeing the crowd
- OH NO TRUMP'S PAST AS SAYING THINGS THAT ALMOST MADE SENSE IS REVEALED. Rand Paul, who let Trump's racism and sexism pass, goes on the attack. He screeches that Trump was too nice to the poors and tries to punch him, but Trump responds by grabbing his hand and licking it until he falls back, ashamed
- Trump claims he has bribed everyone on stage, Huckabee and Kasich ask to be bribed. Horrible Bug Monster looks scandalized
- Candidates asked whether they will dump sludge into rivers, make our kids dumber, and cripple the government by removing its ability to tax. Candidates say they would, but the system of legalized bribery they have fought for for decades has failed. The solution is to give more power to the corrupt and get more bribes
- Carson is actually proposing a 10% tax for everyone. No one hates the poors more than Carson. Horrible Bug Monster knows he will never kill as many poors with his acid as Carson would kill after just one day in office
- Bush booed for common core education standards, cites buzzwords as Trump probably makes some silent farts
- Rubio says more dumb boring things that aren't particularly exciting. Instead I'm going to talk about his ears. His ears are literally half the length of his head. That's horrifying. People pick on the Republicans for being too white, and while that's fair in most cases, I've always said that it's pretty progressive of them to let John Boner, who is clearly half oompa-loompa, be their leader in the house. Could Marco Rubio be another example of this diversity? Is he latino and an elf?
- Horrible Bug Monster is shaking. His gossamer wings are twitching. "I can't keep up," he whispers, clearly not talking to anyone but speaking loudly enough that it is caught on the mic. "I am almost out of acid, and they have not yet begun to unleash their juices." Donald Trump exclaims that Rosie O'Donnel unleashes juices whenever she poops because she's gross and has gross poops, and the crowd begins building a statue in his honor.
- The debate is halfway over, and our torrent ends. I feel shame that this was allowed to happen, and also pretty sure that Horrible Bug Monster is going to jail. He killed like six people.
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