Wait, are you telling me that there's a top ten list for
movies now? WHAT MADNESS IS THIS???
It's actually not that mad at all. There are way less caveats about re-releases and remakes and whatnot for movies, plus they're waaaaaaaaay cheaper and less time consuming. No, what's mad is how unreasonably lazy I am. Going
outside to watch a movie? What next, eating broken glass?
Nevertheless, I somehow saw
just enough movies to have enough fodder for a proper list. Without further ado, some random weirdo's top ten movies of 2015!
Honorable Mention: The Hateful Eight
The Hateful Eight is a strange inhabitant on this list. Despite being an honorable mention, Tarantino's latest has better characters, writing, cinematography, visuals, and sound design than most of the other movies on this list. The problem lies with what seems to be the movie's goal: to completely fuck with audiences by putting them through a three hour movie with
no likable characters whatsoever. Every single one of the characters in this movie could easily sub in for the main antagonists of all of the other movies on my list with no decrease in total horrible-ness, and the result is a gorgeous, technically perfect movie that's gratuitous and uncomfortable to sit through, especially without an intermission. I can't say enough good things about the movie's craftsmanship, but I also never, ever want to see
The Hateful Eight again (unless I'm watching it to provide moral support for somebody watching it for their first time.) If Tarantino's goal was to prove how a story feels really unpleasant without good guys or a clear point, mission accomplished?
10. Jupiter Ascending
Shut up. I'll explain. Cool your shit.
Jupiter Ascending is an awkward movie. Its characters are awkward, its dialogue is awkward, and its story is an awkward, shambling mess. But
Jupiter Ascending is awkward because it's sincere. Anyone that came out of this movie thinking "I can't believe they didn't sufficiently explain the logistics behind everything!
What kind of movie is this?" did not understand what
Jupiter Ascending is. Where movies like
The Expendables and
Transformers are adolescent boy pandering,
Jupiter Ascending executes the half-baked ideas of adolescent girls, and this is a trend I am 1000% behind.
Jupiter Ascending, unlike the quasi-self-aware, smarmy, gritty garbage that studios hire chumps like Michael Bay to pump out, is exploding with wide-eyed, completely un-ironic wonder and fantasy, and because it's a Wachowski production, I can actually tell what's going on. Everything from the Greco-Roman-but-in-space architecture to the lizard-men soldiers to the "I'm just an ordinary girl who's also the center of the universe and a long lost prophecy with a dog-angel-Channing Tatum boyfriend" plot screams unrestrained, unabashed joy, and that's something movies are sorely missing these days.
9. Trainwreck
In perhaps the biggest twist of all, I actually
talked about this movie back when it came out! I'm not going to repeat myself and deny everybody the chance to bump those page views up (come on, double digits!), but in essence:
Trainwreck is really, really funny, and only a little bit cliché. Check it out.
8. Spy
This one is probably the
second biggest twist of all, because when I saw the first trailers for this movie I assumed it would be total dogshit. "Oh wow, a spy movie but the spy is a fat lady? Ha ha! Get it! Because fat people can't do anything. Watch Jason Statham be the best and watch her ruin everything."
After watching
Spy, I immediately understood why it marketed itself the way it did. Melissa McCarthy's spy is actually
incredibly capable in most respects, with most of the comedy revolving around her personality clashing with figures like Statham, who loves his self-image of a daring badass to the point that he will actively endanger everything and everyone around him if he'll look cool. I already feel like I'm saying too much--maybe
Spy only hit me as hard as it did because I was expecting it to be garbage. Check it out, and if you know anywhere that has an HD video clip of Statham's monologue in the first act of the movie, let me know. That shit is solid gold.
7. Avengers: Age of Ultron
What kind of crazy year was 2015 that I actually couldn't remember if
Age of Ultron came out this year or not? Pretty crazy. While a few significant stumbles hold it back from the meteoric heights of the first
Avengers (seriously, Joss, I know like five people that would tell you the right way to do what you did with Black Widow, right now,
for free) the action was still great, most of the dialogue was still snappy and memorable, and
damn did James Spader knock it out of the park as Ultron. It's too bad this year was packed with the absolute best two villains in the MCU courtesy of the Netflix shows, because I honestly don't think he got the recognition he deserved. I mean, why not just let him kill everyone? Will it let him talk more, with his voice?
6. Ant-Man
Okay, I really need to stop opening these with surprises, but how crazy is it that this movie was good? An under-appreciated, difficult-to-write superhero, passed off after one of the greatest living comedic filmmakers and Marvel part ways, and the movie isn't a jumbled mess? That's nuts! I still mourn for an Edgar Wright MCU movie every day, and the movie we got definitely mourns that too (there are several jokes that were obviously Edgar Wright jokes reduced to the lowest common denominator) but most of the writing is good enough to carry the movie over the rough patches. Plus: tiny battles!
Tiny battles. Tiny battles with
toy trains and ant-dogs.
5. The Martian
Oh, Matt Damon, what will you get up to next? It wasn't bad enough that Vin Diesel died to save you in WWII, we have to save you in space?
Again?
Oh well, at least you're funny this time. Not funny enough to be a comedy, because, you know, you're
not a comedy, but you're funny. And you're interesting, too--everything from the politics surrounding your millionth fuck-up in space to the theory behind the rescue attempts to the breathtaking visuals the Martian setting allows is genuinely interesting. It's been a while, but Ridley Scott finally made another good movie. Here's hoping the streak continues forever
(it probably won't.)
4. Mad Max: Fury Road
Nothing has amused me quite as much as reminding my parents, who did not care for
Fury Road, that it's actually got a decent shot at some non-technical Oscars. "But it was just a car chase!" they cry, in semi-old person fury. "Nothing happened except explosions!"
In a certain sense, they're right.
Mad Max, even for my less-than-discerning tastes, is pretty light on plot, to the point that I had no idea about half of the characters names until I checked out the Mad Max wiki (which, by the way, is an
amazing use of time). But what the movie
does present--a brutal, bright post-apocalyptic setting of cars, explosion, and dirtbike-riding feminist grannies fighting monster-truck-riding mutant patriarchs--it does perfectly.
Mad Max is amazing not in spite of being a 2-hour long car chase, but because of it--it does things that people don't expect out of 2-hour long car chases, like an outspoken feminist message, or editing and cinematography that actually lets you see what's going on. If nothing else, it makes me hopeful for what George Miller would do with a new
Babe movie.
3. Ex Machina
And that day, humanity received a grim reminder: this list is what movies I
liked, not necessarily which movies I think are the best. If this was a list of movies I thought were the most well made, instead of my personal favorites,
Ex Machina and its powerful, creepy dissection of patriarchy through self-aware AIs would handily win the top spot. As it is, loving the movie isn't the same as
enjoying it, but unlike
Hateful Eight,
Ex Machina not only has an actual point, but also possesses not one, but two characters that I like,
and it's not three hours long. If nothing else, this movie deserves the highest of praise for doing the impossible and making Oscar Isaac a gigantic creepazoid.
2. Inside Out
Can feelings have feelings? This is the question
Inside Out seeks to answer, and unsurprisingly, the answer is yes. While I may not agree with the feelings feelings have about San Francisco (that apartment is a goddamn find and they should be GRATEFUL) I cannot deny that they have feelings. I also can't deny that, of all the movies on this list, the feelings
this movie generated in me were the only ones targeted to my weak spots to make me cry a tiny bit. Now hurry up and make a sequel where they talk about how Riley is the only one with co-ed feelings. DON'T BE COWARDS
Best picture: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens
This movie isn't perfect. Yes, it borrows a little too heavily from
A New Hope. Yes, it doesn't make the best use of some of its assets (if Phasma isn't back in
Episode VIII I'm going to be apoplectic), and yes, it leans more on the old "this will make more sense in the sequel" trick than it should. But to me, these minor quibbles matter little in the face of a new
Star Wars movie, one that is not only really good, but is new in the important ways. There are new characters that aren't failed retreads of past glory, with some characters (Kylo Ren!!!) actively mocking that idea. Just as important, these characters represent new attitudes about who
Star Wars is for, with
The Force Awakens finally recognizing that
Star Wars is, and always has been, for everyone, and making casting choices to reflect that. Also, there's a new R2-D2 that's like a little ball-critter, and a new lightsaber with sick mini-lightsaber vent dealies. Those are also new and important to me, because I am seven years old deep inside. Of all the movies on this list,
The Force Awakens was not only one of the few I saw in theaters, but the only one I saw
four times because it was just that much fun. Sometimes, that's all I need a movie to be.
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