Descriptions of gross sex-things from 300: Bambi 2 below, so be advised
So
a few days ago I was unfortunate enough to rewatch 300:Return of Jafar, the
sequel to 300.
Despite feeling much less ashamed,
as the last time I watched the film, I had actually paid money to have it
inflicted upon me, I still did not enjoy the film. It had all the misogyny, racism, completely
backwards grasp of history (especially in regards to Persian mass slavery,
which, shockingly, it appears Herodotus somewhat exaggerated) and writing
problems of the first film, without the vaguely interesting action set-pieces
and Gerard Butler performance that, at least to me, makes it somewhat
bearable. Overall, the movie’s biggest
problem seems to be that it has little to no understanding as to the
implications of what it shows us. The
movie shows us Artemisia’s past, the years she spent as a sex-slave, and then
expects us to be titillated during her super-rough sex-fight with
Themistocles. “Why are you guys so
uncomfortable,” 300: The Lion King 1.5 says incredulously, furiously
masturbating as everyone stares determinedly at their shoes. “Look! There are boobies and hair-pulling and
stuff! She’s super into it!”
That
is probably the most egregious, harmful example of the film’s cluelessness, but
it wasn’t what stuck in my mind the most.
No, the film’s most prolific, recurring example of
stupidity-leading-to-unintended-conclusions were the many, many, many things
that had me wondering what the Hell kind of crazy alternate Earth world 300:
302 Dalmatians is set in. Xerxes (who,
by the way, became the man he is by stepping into a pool of hermit butter and
growing three feet) has a warg chained up to his throne. I’m fucking serious. It’s a warg.
There isn’t any other animal we could be reasonably expected to
interpret it as. Why are there wargs?
Why don’t any of the orcs (because, yes, there are orc-guys that throw
fireballs in this movie) have wargs? That seems like a serious inconsistency,
300: Simba’s Pride.
Of
course, that was nothing compared to the fact that the fireball-throwing orcs
are standing on an ironclad ship running
on combustible fuel. There are no
oars of any kind, and apparently no wood either. It’s literally a ship made entirely of iron,
and it can propel itself. Not only are
there wargs and orcs in 300: Stitch Has a Glitch, but Mordor/Persia is thousands of years ahead technologically. I don’t know about you guys, but if I was
making a movie, and I was working with a world where there was an army of orcs
with Civil War-era technology, I would probably make them the focus, instead of
putting them in the background of fake abs and Cersei Lannister trying to stay
awake. Why does this have to be about
Frank Miller smelling his own farts and calling it “history,” 300: Mulan 2? Why
can’t you show me what else the orcs have? Do they have guns? We saw guns in
the first movie, as well as a sub-race of orcs with blades for hands, so that’s
another can of worms right there. Do
they have tesla coils they strap on their backs to shoot lightning? What about
air power? They have wargs, does that mean there are fell-beasts too? Are there
eagles?
I
guess what I’m trying to say is that 300: Cinderella III: A Twist in Time would
be better if instead of being what it was about, it was a completely different
movie that was a documentary about orcs living in the desert. It might seem unreasonable to ask the series
to completely change genres, themes, characters, focus, and if I had my way
writers, directors, and comic book industry figures (Neil Gaiman orc desert
movie!!!) between films, but really, it’s already unreasonable now. Now, the movie is asking me to watch it and
be content, and I just can’t do that.
Also:
300: Cinderella II: Dreams Come
True
300: Aladdin and the King of
Thieves
300: Hunchback of Notre Dame 2
300: The Enchanted Christmas
300: Belle’s Magical World
300: Tarzan II: The Legend Begins
300: Tarzan and Jane
300: Return to the Sea
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